Quick Summary: Talking with your children about your final wishes is one of the kindest things you can do for them. Pick a calm moment, start with what matters to you, then cover the practical parts: what you want, what it may cost, how it will be paid, and where the papers are. You do not have to do it all in one talk.
Most parents would rather talk about anything else. Most adult children feel the same way. So the talk gets put off, year after year.
Then one day a family is sitting in a funeral home, guessing. Did Mom want to be buried or cremated? Which church? Who pays? Is there a policy somewhere?
You can spare your family that week of guessing. This guide gives you simple, gentle ways to start the talk, whether you are the parent or the adult child.
Why This Talk Is a Gift, Not a Burden
When families do not talk, the hardest decisions land on the people who are grieving the most. They have to choose fast, often within a day or two, and often while worried about money.
When you share your wishes ahead of time, you give your children:
- Clear answers, so they are not arguing or guessing.
- Peace of mind, knowing they are doing what you wanted.
- Time to grieve, instead of scrambling to find money.
Even Jesus, in His last hours on the cross, made sure His mother would be cared for. He asked His friend John to take her into his home (John 19:26-27). Caring for the people we love includes thinking about the days after we are gone.
When and Where to Have the Talk
There is no perfect moment. But some moments are easier than others:
- After Sunday dinner, when everyone is relaxed.
- During a holiday visit, in a quiet room away from the grandkids.
- After a family funeral, when the topic is already on everyone's mind.
- On a walk or a drive, side by side, which feels less intense than face to face.
Avoid starting it in the middle of a busy day, during an argument, or by text message. If your children live far away, a video call works fine.
The talk can happen anywhere, even on a walk side by side.
How to Start (Words You Can Borrow)
The first sentence is the hardest. Here are a few that work.
If you are the parent:
- "I want to talk about something so you never have to wonder what I wanted."
- "I've been thinking about the future. Can we sit down for a few minutes this weekend?"
- "When Uncle Ray passed, I saw how hard it was on the family. I don't want that for you."
If you are the adult child:
- "Mom, I want to make sure I do things the way you'd want. Can you tell me what matters to you?"
- "Dad, have you written down any of your wishes? I'd feel better knowing."
- "I'm not trying to be morbid. I just love you and want to be ready."
Keep it short. Then listen. You do not need to settle everything in one sitting.
What to Cover
Think of it in four parts. You can take them one at a time.
1. Your wishes
- Burial or cremation?
- A church service, a Mass, or a simple gathering?
- Favorite hymns, readings, or a pastor or priest you want to lead it?
- Where you want to rest, if you already have a cemetery plot?
2. The cost
Many families have never priced a funeral. It is usually more than people expect. Our guide on what a funeral costs in New Jersey and Georgia today shows real numbers from published surveys, so you can talk about a real figure instead of a guess.
3. How it will be paid
Will it come from savings, a life insurance policy, a prepaid funeral plan, or a mix? If there is a policy, who is the person who gets the money? Do they know?
If you are not sure how a final expense policy works, read What Final Expense Insurance Covers (and What It Doesn't).
4. Where the papers are
Make one list your family can find. Include:
- Life insurance policies and the company phone numbers.
- Any prepaid funeral contract.
- Your will, if you have one, and who helped you write it.
- Bank accounts and who to call.
- Your church and the name of your pastor or priest.
Keep the list in a folder at home and tell at least one child where it is.
Walter and Linda, both in their 70s, live outside Atlanta. After their pastor's sermon on stewardship, they invited their two daughters to lunch. Walter brought a single page: their wishes, their church, the name of their policy, and where the folder is kept. The talk took 40 minutes. Their younger daughter said later it was the most loving thing her parents ever planned. (This is an illustration, not a real family.)
If the Talk Gets Emotional
It might. That is okay. Tears often mean people care.
- Take a break if you need one. Come back to it another day.
- Do not force anyone to agree on the spot.
- If siblings disagree, focus on what the parent wants. It is their choice.
- If health is part of the picture, it helps to know your options. Read Can I Get Final Expense Insurance With Health Problems?
When You Want a Calm Third Voice
Some families like to have someone outside the family walk through the money side. Kevin is happy to join a call with you and your children, explain options in plain words, and answer their questions. There is no pressure and no deadline.
Kevin can look at your options in a short call. Pick a time that works for your family here, or call the office at (848) 212-8787.
To learn more, visit our final expense insurance page.
Kevin Gaviria is a licensed life insurance agent in New Jersey and Georgia. This article is general education, not legal, tax, or medical advice.
FAQs: Talking About Final Wishes
There is no set age. Many people start in their 60s, after retirement, or after a family funeral. Any calm time while you are healthy is a good time.
Keep it short and gentle. Tell them you want to make things easier for them. You can also write your wishes down and tell them where the paper is.
It helps to tell at least the person who will get the money that a policy or savings exists, and where to find the papers. How much detail you share is up to you.
Not for the talk itself. If you want a will or have questions about your estate, a lawyer can help with that part.
Yes. Many families prefer a joint call so everyone hears the same thing. Kevin can explain your options in plain words, with no pressure.